An apology is one of the most powerful things we can do to heal rifts and misunderstandings.
It can be quite rare to receive a genuine apology, which is a pity, because it's an exquisite relational art. A well-constructed apology is a gift that’s hard to reject.
But what makes for a good apology? What's the purpose of an apology?
An apology has a job to do. It has to heal hurts and repair damage. It has to restore harmony and ease tensions. It has to showcase your best and most responsible self. It has a big job to do. Make sure your apology gets the job done.
The most important thing about an apology is that it must be clean. There are no “buts” to an apology, no excuses or rationalisations. It should stand alone, uncomplicated by other messages.
We need to offer an apology fully and freely, then wait for the other person to receive it—or not. If they don’t, we can simply say we accept their feelings, but still offer our apology anyway. They may feel like accepting it later, in the privacy of their own mind and heart, and in their own time.
An apology is a powerful act. Some people over-apologise for every little thing. But is this true apology or fearful approval seeking? Apology should be a gift, not a grovel.
Acknowledging our mistakes shows our humility and flexibility. It’s an act of open-heartedness that others appreciate enormously, for it demonstrates our awareness of our own fallibility and imperfectness. We are able to say, “I was wrong,” or, “I made a mistake,” or, “You were right.”
Sometimes we can admit our mistakes in a light-hearted manner. Other times, it’s important to express regret.
The basic structure of a good apology is:
- 1. Be very specific about what you are apologising for.
- 2. Keep it clean by not adding in other messages, rationalisations, or justifications.
- 3. Say it like you mean it—with feeling.
- 4. Remain quiet while you wait for the other person to accept it or not.
- 5. If they don’t, ask them what they need in order to accept your apology. Then do it, if possible.
By caring for our relationships, we care for our own emotional and psychological wellbeing.
Gemma Summers